Hair

Hair.

So what is the big deal with hair?!

It is if you don’t have any.

I was 17.  It was February, and a chilly day.  And I was heading to a youth service.  I didn’t really want to go.  By this point in my life, I already have been through too much heartache.  Plus my grandfather passed away only a few shorts months ago. It was tragic for me, and I know many people did not understand why I was so upset.  Because he raised me.  He taught me everything I knew.  He was the closest human being to me, and he was gone.   I miss him to this day.  I can’t wait to see him once again when we are reunited. 

I didn’t want to go and haven’t been to youth in a long time, but I decided what is there to lose, so I got in my car and drove.   And I kept thinking, why did I say Yes to going.  

And then out of nowhere, like in slow motion.  I see a car heading straight at me.  Glass shattering everywhere.  Bright lights and loud noises.

There I was alone in my car, with glass all over me.  As I regained my conscious, I was like “God, why can’t you just take me now”???

I didn’t know why he let me live.  I didn’t want to.  I honestly didn’t really have any purpose. The ambulance arrived, and I could hear a couple arguing.  “Look what you did?” They were arguing, and he ran a red light. 

I was at the hospital lying in the cold room alone.  Moments passed, and then they started taking glass out of my body and face.  I felt like someone had stomped on me and threw me against a wall.  My head was ringing, my eyes were hurting.  I was in so much pain.  I just kept thinking, please just take me now.

My doctor put me on a few prescription drugs.  Several months passed and I started to have severe heart pains.  And noticed my hair was thinning.  I told my doctor and he said it was stress.  He took me off the drugs.  And later I found out Vioxx was recalled.

My hair didn’t stop.  I lost it all.  I had no hair. 

I don’t know if it was the pills or stress, or if it was caused by the severance of head injury.  My doctor said it was the drugs. 

And how long did this all go on for? 

7 years.

Ironically that has always been my lucky number.

I had to wear a wig for 7 years.  Most people did not know.  Most people did not care to even notice.  I was so alone through these years.  I was so hurt and alone.  My husband was there, but if you are a woman you know our glory is our hair.  I use to have such beautiful long hair.    When someone would tell me I was pretty.  I would laugh on the inside.  If you only knew what I really look like, I would think to myself. 

I can count the number of people that knew my issue on my fingers.  I didn’t want to tell too many because then everyone would feel sorry for me and treat me differently.  Like I was sick.  And I always thought maybe there was really something wrong me with me.  I didn’t go see a doctor during this time, I didn’t see the purpose.  They would just put me on more drugs.

I didn’t want to lay the burden on them.  To tell them my story, my heartache.  The people that knew were  very close to me, and understood my struggle but still loved me enough to treat me the same.

I managed to live somewhat of a normal life.  I would never tell my coworkers, I would never tell anyone I met.  I didn’t trust many people.  I kept a lot to myself. 

I screamed to God.  WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?? WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TAKE ME THEN.  Anytime I was alone, I cried.  I went in and out of depression for the next 7 years.  My marriage was a wreck at times. 

I had a dream.  I had this dream many times over the next several years.  I was looking at the ocean, the peaceful water.  And there, I saw a beautiful woman.  She was wearing a white flowy dress and had gorgeous long dark locks.  I kept trying to get closer to her, and I would wake up. 

Then one night, I got close enough to her, and as she turned around, I saw my face.  It was me.  How could this be?  I woke up and told me husband, and we cried together.  I had this dream many more times. 

And I had peace in my heart.  I had hope.

After I found out I was pregnant in October  2009, I was filled with a love I have never known.  It was short lived, as I had a miscarriage in December.  I’m not even sure how many months I was in.  But I was heartbroken.  I felt like someone took my heart away.  I went to work the next day and tried to put a smile on my face.  HOW WILL I EVER GET THROUGH ALL THIS??

Then a short few months later in March, I was pregnant again.  OH THE LOVE.  THE LOVE I FELT.  It overwhelmed me.  I was so happy so thrilled.  I knew this love was from God.  Over the next few months, I noticed something.

My hair. 

It was growing.  And it was growing at rapid speed! I know when you are pregnant, hair grows superfast.  But mine was literally just growing in insane speed.  I just thanked God, but still wore my wig.  I didn’t know if it would last. 

And it did! I gave birth to my angel on December 28, 2010.  And she is the sunshine in my life.  The love is what made everything so beautiful.  My Mashenka.  I love you forever, I love you for always!

My hair is long again, just like that girl in my dream.

Through all this, I have learned that no one is really who they say they are.  We are all so much more.  We all have secrets.  We all have stories, and heartache.  If I was a writer, I could write a book about these 7 years.

 7 years of struggle. 

7 years of pain.

 7 years of lessons. 

We are all beautiful.  Please don't judge a book by its cover.  On the outside, I looked like a normal girl.  On the inside, I was battling through so much that it was a struggle to just get out of bed every morning.  Life is short and life can be very hard sometimes.  Look to God in those times.  Run to him and cry to him.  He will comfort you.  I don't know why I went through this, and I might never know, but I did survive.  And if you are going through something like this, it will pass.  Everything in life is temporary.  There is sunshine on the other side of all this, I promise.

Now smile and go enjoy the beautiful things in life and be thankful for everything.

 Till next time.

Always Lovely,


Luba